Full disclosure: I have never used a dating app. I was a child of the 70’s, when dating meant going where real women were and actually talking (not “chatting”) with them.
Dating
Our dating consisted of meeting women, either in school, at church, in clubs we belonged to, in bars that we would frequent, and possibly being set up for a date by people who “knew someone we would hit it off with”.
We would approach an actual woman, ask her if she’d like to go on a date, and if she said “yes”, make plans for a dinner, movie, ice cream, coffee, etc. Someplace semi-public where you could get to know each other in a safe environment. You considered yourself lucky if you got a goodnight kiss, but you usually had to wait until date number two or even three for that.
Once you had an idea that this was the woman for you, and she concurred, you began “going steady”. This meant forsaking all others and being with her exclusively. Sex was supposed to be saved until the next step, marriage.
The Sexual Revolution
The free-”love” era in the 60’s began slightly before I began dating, but since I was raised Catholic, there were certain rules of sexual activity you were expected to follow. My dad once wisely told me: “There are two kinds of girls, the ones you play with, and the ones you marry. Don’t get them mixed up”. And this was a rule that I followed.
Men are wired for sexual novelty. They are attracted to multiple women, and they will usually be happy to have sex with any of them. This is to spread his seed far and wide and continue his genetic bloodline. Women, on the other hand are wired to want one man who will provide for and protect her and any subsequent children. This determines the “value” of a potential mate.
Tomi Lahren recorded a video they titled “Men Are Trash”. This is a rant about how she and her “high value” girlfriends are being what they consider “mistreated by men”.
She goes on to say:
Value value. Take that in. Repeat it to yourself until it makes sense. If you want to date a girl that has nothing going on, then that’s fine. But please do not mix in people like me, and my friends, who have something going on with your other girls who have nothing going on. And by nothing going on I mean this: there is no job that is unimportant. There is no job that is not valuable or that’s not worthy, it is. But if you want to mix in people like me, people like my friends who are go-getters, who work really hard, who make their own money, who are talented, skilled, ambitious, please don’t mix us in with the “Tatianas”. We don’t want to be there. If that’s what you want, find them. Please, for the love of God, do not mix us in with them, because frankly we don’t want to be there. And quite frankly, we take it as an insult if we find out you’re talking to five “Tatianas” who have nothing going on. People like me and my friends are going to be insulted by that. And there’s almost really no coming back from it. So if you want that kind of a girl, the kind of girl who’s just kind of happy going through the motions of life, not really super-ambitious, hasn’t really found herself yet, doesn’t really have a whole lot going on and she’s pretty, please just go after them.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Tomi Lahren. She’s pretty, smart, and has a decent take on political events. But she is totally clueless as to what is going on here.
Men want a partner who is pretty, fertile, good domestically, nurturing, and who respect and need him. Men who are looking for a long time partner don’t want a woman who has “something going on” who is “ambitious”. Most men do not consider this “high value” in the long term. Oh, they’ll be happy to bang her. Even for a length of time. But marriage? Nope.
Women date across and up socioeconomic strata. Men date across and down socioeconomic strata. This means that for a woman like Lahren, at the socioeconomic level she’s at, her long term dating pool is really small.
The Rise of Chad
I heard the term “Chad” about the same time I heard the term “incel”. Incels are men who desire sexual activity and are unable to get it. This is usually because they are repugnant to women (more on this later), and are jealous of the “Chads” who are attractive, fit men who exude competence and have many material things. These men, according to the incels, get more than their share of women leaving less for them.
The 80/20 Rule
This brings us to dating apps. On your average dating app (some specific exceptions for gay-focused, etc.), 80% of the women go for 20% of the men. This means that “Chad” has a lot of options while “not-Chad” has few.
This encourages “Chad” to behave badly. He would “swipe right” on women he normally would not pursue, and will take the women on a couple of dates (if she’s lucky) bang her, and then ghost her. There is no penalty for this social behavior, and there are thousands of other options for “Chad” to go to the next girl.
Some of these ladies are marriage minded, but “Chad” is not. Why does he have to be? He’s a kid in a candy store. Even the less attractive women are chasing him, so if he runs out of options with the 10’s, he can go with the 9’s or 8’s (even a 5 if he sure none of his RL friends will find out!).
And The Ladies
When the ladies (especially older ladies) hit the app, they find out that their options are limited. They have spent their most fertile years building their careers rather than their families, and now the biological clock is ticking… loudly. They are in a panic, and they wonder (like Tomi Lahren) why these men are not treating a “high value woman” right. They have been lied to about what constitutes “high value” for marriage-minded men.
Attitude of Gratitude
I am profoundly grateful that I dated before the advent of these toxic “dating apps”. The current dating landscape is sad, dark and lonely. The less desirable men are giving up dating, and the women, after they are used up by “Chad” are doing the same. There are plenty of good men out there. You just need to have a very small list of non-negotiables, and work on growing together in all other things.